Elect Drury in 2012
Okay, so, Obama won. Whateva! BUT he’s going to have to race against me in 2012, not some RINO (e.g., John McCain.) And let me tell you, I’m not pushover; I’m a BIG “C” conservative, and I make the Great Ronald Reagon look like the Jerk Jimmie Carter! Oh, and when I run, I plan to have the smart, funny, and hot SARAH PALIN as my VP! She was the best thing to happen to the McCain ticket in 2008 and he didn’t even know it. So, to provide you with a taste of what I will do as president, below are a few of my presidentail points. I have lots more, but I want to spoon feed you, let you ease into my viewpoints, and eventually go running to the poles in 2012!
Read? Okay, let’s get this presidential party started…
Oops, one last thing: I am NOT running as a member of the GOP. I’m running under a 3rd Party Platform, the “Tea-Party.” I got the idea for this party’s name on April 15, 2009, when several good American right-wing television and radio hosts (e.g., Glenn Beck-Fox News and Jay Severin-WTKK 96.9 Boston) came up with the idea for a Tea Party Tax Day…a day fighting against the Obama Tax AND Borrow AND print money AND drive America into the ground day. It is a day for America to take a stand. It is a day to understand that the Government is out of control. Enough, Enough, Enough! Politicians work for US; we don’t work for THEM! BTW: America is in the current currency condition because of BOTH Republicans and Democrats, but Democrats are causing most of the problem. And if it was hard for you Elephants out there (i.e., republicans) to hear that republicans are also at fault, just think how difficult it was for me to type it. But it is true: Elephant and Donkeys caused this situation, and it is our job, the job of the 3rd “Tea Party” to take America back. To stand for what the Founding Fathers intended (e.g., In God We Trust.) Okay, so, to make you more confident in my party platform; to help you understand were I want to take this great country, here is my idea for a Great American cabinet:
- Vice President Who’s Intelligent, Funny, Easy On The Eyes, And Who Was Railroaded By The Dumb, NotSoFunny, Hard On The Eyes Katie Couric: Sarah Palin
- Department Of Mentoring Me: Secretary Rush Limbaugh
- Department Of State (Fox and Friends Co-Host) And A Damn Fine Looking Woman If I Do Say So: Secretary Alisyn Camerota
- Department Of No One Screws With The US Defense: Secretary Newt Gingrich
- Department Of The Low Taxes, Controlled Spending, Zero Borrowing, And Limited printing of money Treasury: Secretary Donald Trump
- Department Of Don’t Come Across Our Boarders Unless We First Ask You Or You Will Be Returned In A Pine Box Homeland Security: Secretary Ted Nugent
- Department Of Ripping Liberals New A-Holes And Looking Really Good While Doing It: Secretary Ann Coulter
- Department Of Plain Good Old Commons Sense: Secretary Glenn Beck
- Department Of NO Spin And Of Justice: Secretary Bill O’Reilly
- White House Razor Sharp Tongue Bring It ON Be-ooo-tch Spokesperson: Jay Severin
And here is the begining of my presidential points. Note: many to follow…
1. If you are unable to sum up your campaign’s basic idea on a bumper sticker, then you do not know what your campaign’s basic idea is. And if you don’t know what you are talking about, how are we supposed to know what you are talking about, you dork. Here is President Bill Drury’s bumper sticker:
“AMERICA FIRST AND FOREMOST!”
2. Bring home our troops from every country NOW and put them on our borders. Our troops need to be on their own land, close to their own families and friends, and be able to protect and defend their own country from foreign and domestic enemies.
3. Close the IRS and assign the hard working government employees to work with the troops to secure our borders. Put a base in each of our northern and southern states and in every port. Staff them with IRS folks with administrative jobs, and bring in the troops to guard the borders with deadly force, if necessary, by which I mean shoot anyone twice who even looks at our fences. And I’ll institute a flat 15% tax. NO more forms. No more lines. NO more April 15th stupid deadline. EVERYONE pays 15%.
4. Fly stealth bombers loaded with Nukes over the earth; anyone screws with USA we drop our payload on their heads, and ask questions later, maybe. We pay zillions of dollars for our new high-tech equipment. So why have boots on the ground where our brave fighting men and women might find themselves in harm’s way. Someone attacks us, we blow them up. Someone threatens to attack us, we blow them up. Someone even thinks about thinking about threatening to attack us, we blow them up.
5. No foreign aid to anyone except Israel and maybe Wisconsin. Help our homeless; help our families, help pay off our national debt, and keep our money to ourselves.
6. Put the money we will be saving by not giving out any foreign aid towards developing alternate fuel source. That way we will not have to rely on Middle Eastern oil. The U.S. is paying $4.50 per gallon, while Bagdad is paying $.22 per gallon-p-u-h-l-e-s-e.
7. Though technically you do have the right to burn our flag, if you do, we will skewer you, turn you into a human marshmallow, and roast you over our flag’s flames.
8. Declare English as our national language. And if you choose not to speak English, fine. BUT we will not accommodate you by speaking your language, because this is America, and in America we speak ENGLISH!
9. Freeze, put your hand over your heart, and face the nearest flag when you hear the “Pledge of Allegiance.” And say the “under God” part real LOUD or get out of our country!
10. Leave homosexuals alone. If they want to get married then let them. Life is tough enough, and if you can find someone who you love and who loves you, great. A person can marry a potted petunia for all I care.
11. If you are not an American citizen, then you do not have any rights. So get over it. No matter where you are from: Italy, Greece, Afghanistan, Maine, or wherever, if you want rights, then earn them by learning the language, getting a job, paying your 15% taxes, do not commit crimes, and become one of us: proud Americans.
12. During the holiday season ALL symbols from ALL religions should be allowed to be openly displayed: from mangers to menorahs and everything in-between. And look, I get it: not everyone in this country is Christian. But a lot of us are Christian like, for example, me. And for instance, if you have, say, 4,999 Christians kids in a school, and 1 kid who is not a Christian, and his or her feelings become bruised (more than likely their parent’s feelings) because the school is planning on having a Christmas Party, but the kid with the bruised feelings causes a fuss, and the poor school committee is pushed into a corner for fear of some sort of discrimination charges brought against them. So they cancel the Christmas Party, thus the 4,999 Christian kids cannot have a Christmas Party. BUT I say instead of cancelling the Christmas Party, KEEP THE 1 NON-CHRISTIAN KID HOME THAT DAY AND DON’T RUIN IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE!
13. The “Democrat Party” will NEVER again be referred to as the “Democratic Party,” because the “Republican Party” is also “DEMOCRATIC,” even though we don’t live in a “Democracy,” we live in a “Constitutional Republic!” And now you know why the “Democrat Party” has a jackass as their symbol. Well, one of the reasons.
14. If you’re from a terrorist country and you do no openly denounce said terrorist country, you will be deported along with your mosque, brick by brick. Don’t get me wrong: I’m NOT saying that all Muslims are bad. Most Muslims are regular folks. But as the saying goes: “it only takes one bad Muslim to ruin a whole barrel.” And according to radio talk show host WTKK 96.9FM’s Jay Severin (I’m paraphrasing here): “since 9/11 NOT all Muslims are terrorists, but all the terrorists have been Muslim.”
15. NO WELFARE$! Get a job like the rest of us, you BUM!
16. Absolutely NO Universal health care, BECAUSE universal health care means that the people who are NOT working get FREE health care. AND the people who are working MUST pay for their own health care, AND for the people who are NOT working so they can get FREE health care.
17. Immigrate to this country to become an American and to melt into the melting pot. And that goes for everyone: Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Christians. EVERYONE is welcome. But DO NOT come here to take advantage of what America has to offer. And if I catch you flying your flag (e.g. Mexico) OVER our flag (e.g. Old Glory) then prepare yourself to be turned into a human marshmallow. I’ll bring the skewers.
18. If you are tried and convicted of committing a sex crime against a minor, an adult, or even a fire hydrant, you will not be required to fill out all that inhumane annoying paperwork currently required by sex offenders to register as “sexual predators.” Rather, you will be given the humane choice of choosing which pack of wild animals you’d prefer to be fed to, while the family of the victim, and the victim themselves, watches the festivities on pay-per-view television, and with all the proceeds going to the victim. And for you liberals out there, and you know who you are, and you are whining about “what about the sex offender’s rights?” It’s simple really. Under my administration once a sex offender (male or female) touches a child and is convicted of such, the sex offender loses their rights followed by them losing their life. End of conversation.
19. The government is always trying to poke their political proboscises into everybody’s business like, for instance, busybody bureaucrats want to tell you what you can eat or how much you can eat. And this stems from the fact that our society is becoming obese, mainly because fat slobs waddle into restaurants containing all-you-can-eat buffets featuring trans-fatty foods (e.g., fried chicken). Note: Unless you have been living at the bottom of an abandoned coal mine shaft since before the invention of sunlight, everyone knows that fried chicken or any food containing trans-fats are NOT good for your heart and your arties. But our fatsos drag seats up to the all-you-can-eat buffets, featuring fried chicken, plop themselves down, and dig in, whereby making complete pigs out of themselves, eating everything within grasping range, to include the clothing owned by the startled people who accidently walked past them. And as result, our fatso’s waist sizes increases to a point where they officially qualify as their very own individual continents. And then our fatsos develop heart and artery clogging-issues, and the government’s response is NOT to blame the fatsos, heavens no, it’s to blame the bad, bad, bad restaurant industry for having all-you-can-eat buffets featuring fried chicken which tempt the fatso into overeating. So the government jumps up and down penalizing the restaurant industry by banning trans-fat foods and all-you-can-eat buffets just because of morons like our fatsos who have no self-control, no self-respect, and who would do much better living in pigpens versus being able to wonder around out in polite society unsupervised! The government will NOT busy itself with such issues under my administration. Eat what you want; as much as you want, and if something happens to you as a result of your gluttony, you deal with it. But I mean that in a nice way.
20. Look, I’m a big fan and a huge supporter of the Alaskan red-throated freckled-faced two-toed rock hopping salamander. Who isn’t? I mean, they’re cute, slimy, but cute. However, I’m also a big fan and a huge supporter of NOT paying $4,000,000,000 per gallon of gas. So, DRILL in Alaska, and sell the gas to American citizens at a discount, and charge the Middle East an arm and a camel per barrel and we’ll see how they like it! And, “yes,” there are Democrats out there who are against drilling, because the gas will not be refined and made available for upwards of 10 years. Hey, but by drilling, if nothing else, it will send a message to those oil sheiks that we Americans are serious, and we’re not going to be pushed around any longer. I hope I am still on the planet the day we introduce to the world a new viable source of NON-OIL-RELATED energy!
21. When I am elected president, if you screw with Israel, I will sit back, let them do what they have to do to defend themselves, and toast to the mushroom cloud hovering over Iran’s nuclear “for power only” plant.
22. If a burglar breaks into your home, you are currently mandated to hide in the closet like a sniveling coward, because if you dare defend yourself you just might bruise the robber’s feelings, and then you, yes you, could wind up in jail. However, under my administration, you will have the right to beat the living snot out of said burglar until you have reduced them into a lumpy unrecognizable bloody pulp. And if they use one of the following three (3) excuse, beat them even more:
a. “Oh, I didn’t break into your house. Heavens no. I’m the local “welcome wagon representative.” And since you are new to our neighborhood, I thought I’d bring over a cake at (ahem) three in the morning. And since your door was locked, and since I did not want to wake you, I decided to hack my way through your door using my ‘welcome wagon’ machete.”
b. “Why am I wearing a black outfit and carrying a machete? That’s easy: I’m getting ready for Halloween. Yes, I realize that Halloween is six months away, but you can never be too prepared for Halloween, I always say.”
c. “I’m no burglar; I’m a door-to-door machete salesman.”
23. I am an Italian/Irish Catholic. I DO NOT pick and choose those things in my religion which I like and which I don’t like. It doesn’t work that way, and if you have problems with your religion, switch. So, if you have had an abortion, or if you support abortion, you will go to hell and burn for all eternity in the hands of the devil. But I mean that in a nice way.
24. There is no such thing as an “Independent.” Poop or get off of the pot, people. Look, choose a party and follow that party’s platform. You are either a left-wing loony, and you believe in higher taxes, bigger government, hiring people based on the color of their skin, and you will let the United Nations gladly govern us, or you are a right-wing wacko (that would be me) and you believe in lower taxes, smaller government, hiring people based on the quality of their character, and you will laugh a hardy laugh whenever the United Nations says anything about what the United States should do. Ha! So, if you are one of those a-holes out there, and you know who you are, who chooses a president from one party, AND then chooses the rest of the cabinet positions from the OTHER party, because you think this will allow for “checks and balances,” I have news for you: the only thing this will do is to PREVENT the person you selected as president from getting anything done. And if by some miracle they do manage to get something done, it will take forever, and it will ONLY be a mere shell of what the president wanted to do. So, if you are one of these a-holes out there, and you know who you are, do everyone a favor and STAY HOME ON ELECTION DAY because all you are going to do is to gum up the works, and the government is already gummed up enough, thank you very much.
25. Whenever a job is advertised in America, from road kill removal to the commissioner of edible underwear, blind job applications will be used to select the job seeker. And on those blind job applications it will not require the candidates to divulge their age, race, gender, religious beliefs, political position, or if they believe that heavyset Elvis is alive, well, and living under their sink next to the drain pipe. It will, however, require the applicants to clearly state and be able to provide proof of their capabilities. And after a carful evaluation, the applicant with the best capabilities will get the job regardless of age, race, gender, religious beliefs, political position, or if they think a fat cape-wearing singer equipped with sideburns reaching down to his ankles is fooling around near the garbage disposal mixing Windex with Drano while giggling uncontrollably. It is that simple. The most qualified applicant gets the job. And for example, I don’t care if my local New Hampshire fire department, after reviewing all applicant applications, chooses a potato peeler as the fire chief, because the best person, or in this case the best kitchen appliance, got the job.
26. This next one goes for ALL of our brave military members who are deployed and in harms way, but specifically, in this case, for our reservists. Reservists have regular jobs. They get paid for doing these regular jobs. They also get paid for being in the reserves, but the pay is generally NOT as much as they make at their regular jobs. So, if a reservist is deployed, they can’t work at their regular jobs, and thus they are only making money from their reservist pay, which is not enough to sustain their families. And thanks to our limited military force, reservists can be deployed for lengthy periods of time, and if they are deployed for lengthy periods of time, because they are NOT making enough money, the bank could foreclose on their mortgage, because they can’t afford to pay the mortgage bill, other bills won’t get paid either like, for example, the electricity bill, the phone bill, the cable bill, the car bill, the insurance bills, and everything might shut off and/or be taken away form our reservist who are fighting a war and placing their lives on the line for our country. So, I say if a reservist is deployed, they will NOT only receive their military reservist pay, but they will also be reimbursed by the Government and paid whatever their current job salaries are. Reservists will NOT lose money because they are deployed, fighting for America. Oh, and if a reservist who is deployed loses a limb, the Government will pay off all of the family debt, and give the reservist a big pension so they don’t have to worry about money anymore, because they lost their limb in the line of duty protecting our country from the enemy infidels. And if the reservist is killed in action, the Government will pay off all of the family debt, and give the reservist’s widow or widower a big pension so they don’t have to worry about money anymore, because their brave spouse lost their life in the line of duty protecting our country from the enemy infidels. By the way, as a humorist, I always try to insert humor into everything, and most of my presidential points are obviously exaggerated for comedic value. But some things just are not funny, like for instance, our reservists going bankrupt protecting our country and risking their lives.
27. Dick Chaney (a republican) is only allowed to hunt in the company of liberals or radical Muslim terrorists. You do the math. Okay, I’ll do it for you: radical Muslim terrorists are categorized as “foreign enemies,” liberals are categorized as “domestic enemies,” both of which are sworn enemies of America, just check the military “oath of enlistment.” Okay, I will check it for you: “I, (State Your Name), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign (a.k.a. radical Muslim terrorists) and domestic (a.k.a. liberals)…”
28. Fear not my supporters! My administration will NOT compromise our integrity or our beliefs by negotiating with LIBERALS! We will NOT agree to handing over 60% of our salaries to distribute our money to those who choose NOT to work; we will NOT agree to allow unborn babies to be grabbed by the neck via forcipes five minutes before they are delivered into this world, have their necks snapped like twigs, and their dying bodies stuffed into a box until they are dead; and we will NOT allow jobs to be assigned to individuals solely based on the color of their skin versus the quality of their character! BUT I mean all of this in a nice presidential way.
29. It’s Jan 22nd, 2009. Obama is in the oval office, and I keep hearing people say such things as: “I don’t have to worry about paying my mortage. I can have gas in my tank. I can get a good job, and now I can go on vacation, because I helped him, and now he will help me.” Oh, Lordy, too funny. Too sad, but too funny.
30. Democrats once again have proven what an interesting bunch they are, by which I mean hypocrites, with all apologies to hypocrites. And I say this because democrats became outraged by the invasion of privacy thanks to the idea of tapping suspected terrorists phone calls, and they claimed that George Bush was an evil vile disgusting monster for even suggesting the Patriot Act Policy. HOWEVER now in February 2009, democrats are just fine and dandy and thrilled beyond words with Deval Patricks’ plan to install GPS tracking chips in all Massachusetts residents’ remigrations to figure out how far they travel, and thus calculate how much they should pay. Talk about INVASION OF PRIVACY, but then again, Massachusetts residents don’t deserve the same treatment as terrorist, evidently.
31. GO SCOTT BROWN!
Remember: VOTE BILL DRURY/SARAH PALIN IN 2012! AMERICA FIRST!
Loading ...
