Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

Being married to the self-proclaimed world’s greatest driver, who is slightly critical of everybody else’s driving inability including that of Mario Andretti; I can understand my wife’s frustration.  But my driving distinction should not have come as any BIG surprise to my wife given that I have been the self-proclaimed world’s greatest driver since my [...]

I took the family to the annual fall fair last weekend where we spent four-thousand dollars in one minute throwing three darts at ten colored balloons, and we walked away with two plastic whistles, both of which broke into twelve unrecognizable pieces after almost one full use.
But at least the inbred carnie folk game operator [...]

How much alcohol does somebody have to drink before they bypass the proverbial pink elephant and start seeing dinosaurs?  Evidently, we’re going to have to ask my Scottish countrymen (who are genetically related to me) who reportedly guzzle their bodyweight in alcohol every three minutes, and as a result, they are seeing long-necked prehistoric monsters [...]

With the advancements in modern medicine, people are now living long enough to reach their “Golden Years” where they can enjoy retirement, spoil their grandchildren rotten, and most importantly drive their spouses up the well-known wall, because on paper longevity sounds like a plan; however, after being cooped up with the same person day-in and [...]

I like daydreaming about wearing tight tights and being a world-class ballet dancer who enjoys sipping sour drinks accented with little umbrellas and actually being able to distinguish between the color salmon and the color pink.
YEAH, RIGHT!
I’m all man, baby, who enjoys lounging around daydreaming about being shipwrecked on a deserted island where there is [...]

I was born a Catholic.
I will die a Catholic.
I even had a small stick cross tattooed to my left arm hoping that perhaps it will help keep me from being so sarcastic all the time.  But, as evidenced by my many past (and future) columns, there are a few minor flaws in my tattoo-cross-stop-being-so-sarcastic-plan, by [...]

Men and women perform household chores differently.  This is primarily due to the fact that men and women have vastly different criteria for cleaning.  Your standard woman want things clean to the point that when she is finished scrubbing the toilet she can use it to store human organs in.  But your standard man just [...]

I’m guessing that after reading the title of this week’s column, the entire world’s entomological enthusiasts—all two of them, okay one, the other one is busy whispering sweet nothing into his lady bug’s ear—is currently jumping up and down in a furious grasshopper-like fashion and screaming: “DOPE! If we did not have bees on [...]

Okay, I’m a daddy who has a daughter who has recently reached the ripe old age of twelve.   And NOW all she and her friends have been doing is vigorously text-messaging each other about when, where, how, and which boy they are going to get their first kisses from.  One minute she was playing with [...]

Today we are going to talk about worshiping the devil.  ONLY KIDDING!  No, seriously, today we are going to discuss Halloween, which is an ancient holiday made up by the Druids’ who drank too much and who had too much free time on their hands, as evidenced by the fact that they believed (get this) [...]