Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

In a past life I must have been some horrible devilish monster like, for instance, The Creature From The Black Lagoon, or Dracula, or Godzilla, or Hillary Clinton, because now, as eternal punishment, I am constantly plagued by annoying people who following me around; day or night, night or day, if I am there, they are there, [...]

Most of your general public is afraid of sharks, homicidal maniacs chasing you down a dark alleyway, and tofu. I’m afraid of the phone.
I don’t know when I developed this particular phone phobia, but the more I research it, the more it becomes clear that fear of the phone is ONLY a dread developed by [...]

There comes a time in every daddy’s life where he must face a HUGE horrible crisis: it is Sunday at 6:00 pm, all the stores are closed, and suddenly, daddy realizes that the batteries in his clicker are dead, and now daddy is forced to get up and change the channel by hand.   AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHH!
JUST JOKING!
No, [...]

Call me an insensitive clod, but I have no sympathy for those folks, by which I mean idiots, who choose to build their dream house at the base of an active volcano, and then cry and blame God when the volcano erupts and covers their house under nine hundred feet of molten magma.  And the [...]

It’s that time of year again when your thoughtful co-workers come down with a mild case of the Swine Flu, BUT they come into work ANYWAY, and they spread their cold cooties around the entire office so that EVERYONE can enjoy them, BECAUSE they do not want to waste their sick leave being home sick; [...]

We have a guy in my office (he’s my next door neighbor) who ALWAYS thinks positive, and who is ALWAYS in a good mood.  He could have a hatchet stuck in his head, and he’d tell you “it was only a flesh wound, let’s have a party, I’ll bring the spam!”  BUT he doesn’t just [...]

I am now totally convinced that we humans will watch absolutely anything on television, as evidenced by the popularity of the Travel Channel’s “World Poker Tour.”   And if you think watching people play golf on television is a major cure for sleeplessness (e.g. watch someone hit a little white dimpled ball (small yawn) watch someone [...]

Having tortured my fair share of carpenter ants, grasshoppers, and other assorted icky insects using a magnifying glass and the sun, and thus subsequently equipping myself with a vast biological background and able to distinguish at a glance between various insect innards, I now feel overly qualified to explain to you the complex interrelationship between [...]

There is a nasty Nazi-like automotive organization out there which mandates that its members MUST drive SLOWLY when in front of me.  And when I use the word “SLOWLY” I’m talking about driving at significantly reduced speeds which are normally only achieved by certain species of deceased earthworms.
And before any applicant can become full-fledged card-carrying [...]

When it comes to dogs, meat has always been and always will be a magnificent motivator, because dogs like to eat meat.  Dogs are funny that way.  And if there is even the slightest scent of Alpo in the air, a dog will risk life and limb to get a snack of some.   This open [...]