NEWS FLASH! Humans do not breathe out of their feet. So therefore, learning how to tie one’s shoelaces is NOWHERE near as potentially dangerous as learning how to tie one’s tie, because ties are tied around one’s neck, hence the term “necktie,” and a normal neck contains one’s esophagus, and thus, one overzealous tug on [...]
Toads are known throughout the animal kingdom for being grumpy. I guess I can understand. Hey, if I were covered in warts, had bad posture, and was forced to eat flies then I’d be irritable too. And so would you. And given that frogs are by nature cranky, if you provide them with any reason [...]
Men NEVER try to change women. BUT women ALWAYS try to change men. And when a man chooses a woman, it’s because he likes the way she looks, acts, and thinks, and he has absolutely NO plan to change her. But when a woman chooses a man, it’s because she does not likes the way [...]
Generally speaking, there is one major problem with marriage: women. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I’m just saying that after being married for a considerable amount of time, “a considerable amount of time” defined here as DIRECTLY after we men utter the words “I do,” women take over the matrimonial reins and [...]
Today we are going to talk about rubberneckers, which is a slang word used to described commuters who swivel their heads from side to side, oftentimes twisting it completely around in a circle, done in a desperate attempt to locate something along the side of the road to gawk at like, for instance, a tire-changer. [...]
Many of you are asking yourself, “How in the wide world of pigeon poop did this moron get hired to write a humor column? He has the IQ of moss, only slightly soggier.” My answer is simple: you’re jealous, because you’d love to have a job which allowed you to lounge around the house ALL [...]
Back in the day when I went to middle-school dances, absolutely NOBODY danced, there was no dancing, and EVERYBODY stood around staring at their feet and looking extra stupid. And if ANY boy dared to attempt to get near ANY girl their bodies would act like the opposite sides of magnets and the invisible boy-girl [...]
Your professional schoolyard bully has built in radar which allows him to single out the most likely candidate on the playground to play with, by which I mean beat up. And that would have been me: the trembling target of my tormenter’s terror.
Now, I’m not sure what it was which gave away my unwillingness to [...]
In a past life I must have been some horrible devilish monster like, for instance, The Creature From The Black Lagoon, or Dracula, or Godzilla, or Hillary Clinton, because now, as eternal punishment, I am constantly plagued by annoying people who following me around; day or night, night or day, if I am there, they are there, [...]
Most of your general public is afraid of sharks, homicidal maniacs chasing you down a dark alleyway, and tofu. I’m afraid of the phone.
I don’t know when I developed this particular phone phobia, but the more I research it, the more it becomes clear that fear of the phone is ONLY a dread developed by [...]
Join Bill each week as he makes you laugh, teaches you new recipes, and provides you with fitness tips and techniques. It is a great way to get yourself into shape. And, yes, it’s okay to eat an occasional hamburger and/or hotdog. Remember, comfort food is good for the soul. Abs in the Kitchen. Coming in 2010…stay tuned.
