Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

Summer would not be summer unless I managed to accidently light my house on fire with the help from my grill.  There’s just something about the smell of melting vinyl siding which makes me want to stop, drop, roll, and speed-dial the pizza delivery guy.  And 2008 would not be any different.  Well, it was [...]

We’ve all had those nights when we can’t sleep, so we turn on the television at 1:46 AM only to come face-to-face with those infomercial scam artist trying to sell you and me everything from miracle mops that can do EVERYTHING from mopping up messes to preparing your taxes; wall hooks that are Hercules strong [...]

I’m not crazy about people who are always busy telling other people what to do and what not to do. My mother is always telling me “I am too skinny, and I need to eat something.” And even though every time I go to my parent’s house and I eat enough spaghetti and [...]

WARNING:  Women are born to have babies.  Men are born to remain babies.  The problem is that females of the species comes factory equipped with the hormone “estrogen,” which has the same basic molecular structure as battery acid, only slightly more corrosive.  Around the age of 26 to 27, estrogen kicks in, and activates the [...]

If you didn’t already have a good reason to dislike radical Muslim terrorists here’s one: CARPOOLS!   Terrorists are directly responsible for skyrocketing gas prices, and they are doing it mainly to pester me, because I keep making fun of them in my columns.  Sadly, pricy prices at the pump are forcing people to share rides [...]

Hypothetically speaking, marriage is about two people becoming as one.  HA!  What a bunch of baloney, if I’ve ever heard baloney, this is baloney, and I know baloney, and believe me this is BALONEY!
Look, this “two becoming as one” silliness is all romantic and everything.  And it gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling in [...]

Back in the 60’s, when my generation was growing up, our parents loved and cared for us, BUT their parenting was characterized as “hands off.”  And as long as you were not being dragged away by an alligator, they pretty much left us to our own doings. They NEVER got into our faces, hovering over [...]

Other than the fact that I can’t figure out anything on my own, my brain is perfectly calibrated.  Case in point: my wife asked me to go to the grocery store. I respond by telling her that, “under no uncertain terms, will I depart this house WITHOUT first being handed a detailed list of items.  [...]

I’m terrific at stealing the covers.  I’m like amazing at it.  I could teach a college course in it.  I’d call it “Hogging The Covers, Stay Nice And Cozy, You Selfish SOB, While Your Spouse Turns Into A Human Popsicle 101.”
But frozen spouses aside; we are all familiar with the old proverb, which I just [...]

My columns are NOT for the faint of heart, as made evidenced by the fact that I have received several brash emails, written by alert readers, in crayon, with everything, including their names spelled wrong, telling me that judging by my columns, I like to hear myself talk.
Admittedly, I do like to hear myself talk, [...]