Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

There are two very different ways of penalizing boys and penalizing girls.  I know this because my wife and I own one of each.  Both my son, Doug, and daughter, Sara, are intelligent, funny, sarcastic, and basically BIG pains in the butt.  Not sure where they get this behavior from.  But don’t ask my wife.  She lies a lot.

Anyway, when disciplining my Doug I have to be quick, because he has the nasty habit of getting me involved in negotiating everything with him, and I do mean everything.  It’s like living with Perry Mason.

As a result of his prosecuting prowess, he’s never sentenced without us first having to go through deliberations, complete with cross-examinations, witnesses, police line-ups, exhibits, and motives, which basically results in me getting a headache.  And all I wanted to do was to hand down a quick punishment, and get back to watching The Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs” hosted by Mike Rowe.  BUT, OH NO, NOT WITH LITTLE LARRY LAWYER IN THE HOUSE!

The sound of a gavel being banged on the bench.

“Court is in session.  Doug, I told you to clean your room and you didn’t, so I sentence you to no TV, no video games, and no computer for the rest of the night.  Now go away, Mike’s back on.”

“Dad, oops, I mean ‘your honor,’ take a chill pill.  This nation is based on being innocent until proven guilty.”

“Your room was dirty; I told you to clean it; it is still dirty, and so you’re guilty.”

“Well, perhaps, but let’s at least make the crime fit the punishment.”

“The what?  Fit the what?”

“Since you only told me to do one thing, that would be to clean my room, and I did not do that one thing, then I should only have one thing taken away.”

“I—”

“I just rented a new SpongeBob video game from Blockbusters.  That would be exhibit ‘A,’ which cost money, my money.  So suspending my video game time is not only unconstitutional it’s a crime.  And unless you want to go to jail mister, I mean ‘your honor,’ taking away my video game is out of the question.”

“But—”

“And the Spike Channel is running some new MXC shows tonight, so giving me a time out on my TV privileges must also be taken off of the bargaining table.”

“Hey—”

“That leaves the computer, which needs a new hard drive, screen, and mouse pad.  Take that away, which is a punishment that fits the crime.  I rest my case.”

“I have a headache.  Case closed.  Court is adjourned.”

The sound of a gavel being banged on the bench.

Now, with my daughter, things are handled much differently, because she’s a girl, and girls employ an anti-punishment tactic: crying.  Girls cry at the drop of a hat, even if they have nothing to cry about; even if they are JUST crying to get out of assorted punishments, especially those girls who have entered puberty with the vengeance of a runaway freight train wearing ponytails, like my daughter.

The problem with being a daddy and having your little girl turn into a weeping waterfall right in front of your eyes is that you, daddy, will put up a good front, well, at first.  But you will eventually cave in, because as the crying increases in noise, intensity, and frequency, your ability to NOT cave in decreases.

Let’s be honest here: you know you will cave in.  She knows you will cave in.  Everyone knows the caving in is coming.  But you can’t cave in.  There can be NO caving, because if you do cave, you are doomed to a lifetime of caving.

By the way, where do little girls learn to cry on demand?  Who teaches them such treacherous tactics?  Ask my wife.  Never mind.  Like I said, she lies a lot.

“Sara, I need a backhoe to get to your closet.  I told you to clean your room, but you chose not to, so little lady, you can’t go to the “Sad Café” dance tonight.”

Cry

“That’s enough of that.”

Cry, Cry, Cry.

“Listen, crying and tears DO NOT work on daddy.”

Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry.

“Maybe next time you will learn to listen when you are told to do something.”

CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!  CRY!

“Okay, Okay, Okay, enough already, enough with the crying.  You can go.  Just stop crying.  Sheesh.”

Anyway, join me again next week were we will discuss other underhanded daddy-manipulation habits that my daughter has picked up from, oh, I don’t know, I’m guessing off the street from some sneaky fairy, because according to my wife, she knows nothing about nothing, and that’s her story and she’s sticking to it.

Case closed.

Copyright 2009 Bill Drury. All Rights Reserved.