Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

I admit I can be a little cynical at times, and even believe it or not, a smidgen sarcastic.  BUT I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a certain vitally important topic—rats that make predictions.  But I’m a little fuzzy on this mousy matter, so perhaps you can help me out:

The scientific community has spent HUGE gobs of time and money developing sophisticated, delicate, and highly precise Doppler weather detection equipment which can be sitting in Minnesota and detect and decipher a miniscule molecule of mist in Moscow.  BUT many people still rely heavily on some rat (a.k.a. Phil) seeing its shadow to calculate when winter will come to an end.  There is just something wrong about this on many rat dropping levels.

These Kool-Aid drinking sewer rat supporters have even made a special day out of worshiping Phil’s forecast, an exclusive day which they affectionately refer to as: “Groundhog Day.”   Along with “Groundhog Day,” they have (ready for this one) invented a “Groundhog Club.”  Yes, you read that one right.  And on “Groundhog Day,” one of the members of the “Groundhog Club,” as tradition holds, dresses up in a top hat and tuxedo, plucks poor old hibernating Phil out of his nice warm stump, and bends him in half in an attempt to force Phil to find his shadow.

Yup, every February 2nd, upwards of 6,000 people equipped with way too much time on their hands, descend on Punxsutawney Pennsylvania to annoy this rat, and to find out when winter will end.  As an outsider looking in, it has become apparent to me that their strong held belief that a rat can provide an accurately forecast might have something to do with the fact that all 6,000 of these people are genetically RELATED, and all are currently clinging to one family tree containing less branches than can be found on a flagpole.

BUT even the media takes this rat’s rationale to heart, as evidenced by that fact that they give significant amount of airtime to ol’ Phil’s furry forecast.  Even trained meteorologists base their future forecasts and fortunes on Phil’s prediction.

EXAMPLE

Meteorologist: “According to my PhD, historical data, current weather models, and our brand spanking new 8 gazillion dollar Doppler radar, which is sitting on top of the Channel 7 building right now, we have less than six weeks of winter to go.”

News Reporter: “Are you absolutely certain?  If farmers plant their crops too soon, the snow will pile up, the crops will die, and so will the entire population of Punxsutawney.”

Meteorologist: “Relax, our new radar is fail proof.  Seriously, you think I’d risk the lives of the entire population of Punxsutawney unless I was absolutely no-question certain of the upcoming conditions?”

News Reporter: “Well—”

Meteorologist: “Plus, a rat just saw his shadow.”

News Reporter:  “Oh, well, if a rat just saw his shadow, then that’s a different thing altogether.  We can risk everyone’s life now.  Let’s all go plant some corn, everyone.”

The whole groundhog things seems a bit archaic to me.  And this has a lot to do with the fact that I usually try to kill rats with a stick versus taking their word, or more accurately their silhouette, on whether or not I should keep on my snowshoes or break out the suntan lotion.

But that’s probably just me being insensitive and overly harsh and judgmental to the local rodent population, who, for the record, every February 2nd, gather in the nearby woods, watch on, and laugh themselves into fits of convolution at the 6,100 morons who believe that Phil; yes, Phil, who barely made it out of 3rd grade; yes, Phil, who spent most of that year sitting in a corner wearing a dunce hat; yes, Phil, who doesn’t know a cloud from an obo, is now the darling of the day, and passing along precious and precise precipitation predictions.

Anyway, I’ve also been thinking a lot about another vitally important topic, which I am also very fuzzy on: how the newly elected president of the United States thinks that purchasing condoms for the masses can stimulate and kick start the floundering economy.  Look, it is a well-known fact that condoms and stimulation goes hand in glove, or is that foot in sock, or WAIT head in hat, or well, more like, something into something, but you catch my pornographic point.

BUT, hey, maybe the president is thinking that the more condoms used, the more smoking will take place afterword’s, and the more smoking which takes place afterword’s would bring in gobs of much needed cigarette luxury taxes thus stimulating both the economy, and, well, you know.  Hey, I’m all for stimulation, and so is Phil who’s currently sitting in the corner wearing a condom on his head with the word “Dunce” stenciled to it.

Copyright © 2009 Bill Drury.  All Rights Reserved.