Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

Guy Genes are VERY different from Gal Genes.  Guy Genes are responsible for making a guy eat bean curd (a.k.a. tofu) just to impress his hot date who is sitting across from him in a romantic dimly light cozy restaurant, when suddenly, out of nowhere she picks up a piece of tofu, and to his horror, she begins to slowly and romantically move this giggling goop of grossness towards HIS guy mouth.  At this point 100% of guys will allow said tofu to romantically enter their mouth, because a man’s squid-like brain has convinced him he might get lucky if he eats said tofu.  And if eating said tofu is the key to canoodling, well then, so be it.

HOWEVER, 145% of the same men will spit said tofu into a nearby napkin the first chance they get, because men DON’T eat anything that sounds like it comes from in-between someone’s dirty toes (e.g., “toe-food”) even if said tofu might lead to large quantities of snuggling, because if said man gags on said tofu and becomes permanently dead on said flood of the romantic dimly light cozy restaurant, his chances of getting lucky have pretty much gone out the said romantic dimly light cozy restaurant window.  Of course, I mean all this in a nice way.

Genes are also responsible for how detail-orientated you are.  For example, a man will listen to a phone conversation, hang up the phone, and if asked by his wife “who was on the phone and what did they want,” a man will respond with:

“I don’t know; something about your Aunt Zelda being pursued by and a runaway bulldozer.”  And this is mainly due to men being very good at filtering conversations to ONLY come away with the important issues which is worth remembering like, for instance, her “aunt” and “and a possessed bulldozer.”

But women remember every last detail.  For example, a woman could listen to the same phone conversation, hang up the phone, and if asked by the husband “who was that and what did they want” (which NEVER happens, but will happen for the sake of this column, by which I mean my required word count) a woman will respond with:

“Well, it seems that John, who is my Aunt Zelda’s ex 9th ex-husband on her 3rd cousin’s sister’s brother-in-laws dog’s side of the family was just released from a federal prison after being convicted of having a lurid affair with a vending machine; a vending machine which originally agreed to date John due to a severe case of guilt brought on because after John put his money in and picked A7, the Fritos got stuck in the wire curly thingamajig, and John had to keep hugging and shaking the vending machine until shortly thereafter they began dating, and my Aunt Zelda was visiting John and his vending machine when suddenly a man dressed up like the Cowardly Lion and driving a bulldozer—he was trying to earn some extra money making appearances at kid’s birthday parties to pay to have his septic tank fixed thanks to his septic tank exploding at 3 AM and now every 10 minutes it erupts like Old Faithful in his front yard—anyway the foot of his Cowardly Lion costume fell off and landed on the gas, not the brake, and so he lost control of the bulldozer and he and it came crashing through the front door of the convenience store were John, Aunt Zelda, and John’s fiancé vending machine were, and Aunt Zelda was last seen flailing her arms running for her life down the street, with the runaway bulldozer hot on her heels, and with the Cowardly Lion frantically searching for the foot of his costume.”

Now, to the trained ear, it is clear that what the woman said to the man is pretty much what the man said to the women (“aunt” and “chased by a bulldozer.”)  BUT the man did so using far LESS words.  But perhaps that’s just a bias observation from a man.

Anyway, a further distinction in gender genes is that women love to talk, and they have gobs of gabbing enthusiasm for phones.   So, love of talking + love of phones = lots of phone usage, which could negatively impact our national defense.

Think about it: what if the Russians launch a nuclear missile in the direction of Hoboken, which just so happens to be ground zero for the world’s crucial production of Fritos.  With so many women gabbing on the phone using up all the phone lines what if no one can get through to the Frito factory and then where would we be?  Fritoless, that’s were.

Genes are responsible for why men use words only when grunting or pointing are not options.  Couple this with the fact that men are afraid of the phone.  (Note: we men ONLY use the phone when it is absolutely necessary.)  So, grunting + pointing + being afraid of the phone = very little phone usage, which means better national defense.  And if two men are FORCED to use the phone to make a decision (e.g., what sporting event to go to) the phone conversation will be quick—one word or less and the guys will have planned everything and be off to the ballgame.

HOWEVER, if two women are on the phone trying to make a decision like, for example, planning a friends wedding, the conversation will take longer than it takes for a cinder block to turn into a pumpkin, and they will touch upon EVERY SINGLE aspect of the wedding including how THE friend would feel about getting married, and how THEY would feel about getting married, and who they SHOULD invite to the wedding, and who they SHOULD NOT invite to the wedding, and how those who are invited to the wedding would feel if they were NOT invited to the wedding, and how those who are NOT invited to the wedding would feel if they WERE invited to the wedding, and who should sit with who, and how those people feel who are sitting with people they don’t want to sit with, and how the people they don’t want to sit with feel about sitting with them.  This can go on for months, and if they start talking about who’s catching the bridal bouquet, and how people will feel about that, nobody’s getting married.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Drury.  All Rights Reserved.

Bill Drury is a humor columnist for The Carriage Towne News.  Contact him via snail mail c/o The Carriage Towne News, P.O. Box 100, Kingston, NH 03848, or email him @  Drury1234@Verizon.Net, or to go his website @ www.billedrury.com.