Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

Do you want to know a surefire way to put an end to divorce?  Okay, then, I will tell you:  before a woman and a man get married, it should be congressionally mandated that they must first fill out a detailed checklist, which is designed to determine if they are compatible to begin with.  If they are not compatible, they need to break up right on the spot.

EXAMPLE

“I like you, John, but you checked ‘no’ on item two of the checklist—giving backrubs to your wife which will NOT lead to canoodling—so hand over the ring.  And don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out, fella.”

If they are compatible, they are allowed to continue down the matrimonial path.

EXAMPLE

“So, you check ‘no’ on item thirty seven of the checklist—no leafy green vegetables allowed in the house.  Excellent!  I checked ‘no,’ too.  Let’s get hitched.”

However, the woman and the man DO NOT need to agree on ALL the items on the checklist.  In actuality, some items on the checklist a man and a woman DO NOT want to agree on, such as, for instance, whether or not they both like to watch sports.

Seriously, the man does not want the woman to like sports.  Oh, sure, he’ll put up a good Oscar award winning front tapping on the sofa cushion urging her to sit and watch.  But deep down inside the bowls of a man’s bowls the man doesn’t want the woman on the same continent as him when he is watching sports never mind sitting right next to him, because women do not understand sports nor do they watch sports like men understand sports and watch sports, as evidenced by the fact that women say dumb sports-related things when watching sports.

EXAMPLE

“Okay, Bill, for the life of me, I will never understand why baseball players have to stand around scratching and adjusting their private regions in public.  Would you just look at that pitcher?  I’ve seen dogs with mange scratch themselves with less enthusiasm.  Doesn’t he know the stands are full and he’s on national television?  God, I mean, really.”

“Relax, it’s written in their contract for them to scratch and adjust in public.  You think scratching and adjusting is bad just wait till they start spitting.  Now, settle down, and shsssssh.”

“Spitting!  Oh, geez, I forgot about the spitting?  That’s as unsanitary and gross as scratching and adjusting.   This is crazy: men scratching, adjusting, and spitting, while other men paying to see them scratch, adjust, and spit.  Seriously, men are idiots.”

Anyway, there are some KEY items on the checklist you simple DO NOT have a choice about, and you DO want the man and woman to definitely agree on, because if they DO NOT agree on them, the result can lead to someone getting a chair cracked over their head, usually the man.  Take, for example, temperature settings.

The woman generally wants the house to be hot enough so that the wallpaper peals off of the walls.  And the man generally wants the house to be cold enough to form permafrost in the dinning room.   But temperate-settings conflicts are NOT limited to just in the home; temperature-setting combat also takes place in automobiles traveling around a hairpin curve at 95 miles per hour.  And this has become such a delicate issue automotive manufacturers are now designing automobiles with dual-temperature control settings.
Dual-temperature control settings work on paper, but under real life driving conditions, not so much.  And this is mainly due to the danger involved when one side of the vehicle is hot enough to cook a turkey on the dashboard (that would be the woman’s side of the automobile) and the other side of the vehicle is cold enough to hang slabs of raw meat from the rear-view mirror (that would be the man’s side of the automobile.)

But the dashboard and the rear-view mirror are NOT the actual dangerous parts of the automobile.  The dangerous part is the section of the automobile (in-between the woman’s seat and the man’s seat) where the very hot air and the very cold air meet.

This geographical area is known in meteorologically circles as “an occluded front,” or in more common layman’s terms, “the place you do not want to be at,” because “the place you do not want to be at” has the nasty habit of producing thick fog, lightening strikes, and the occasional tornado.  And if you’ve ever been driving along with fog in your face, lightening bolts zipping past your head, and an F-5 twister spinning over by the spare tire, well, it’s a little tricky to keep your eye on the road.

So I applaud the world’s automotive manufacturers for trying to resolve this touchy temperature topic.  But if they really want to accomplish something, they need to design automobiles with the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat located in different vehicles.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Drury.  All Rights Reserved.

Bill Drury is a humor columnist for The Carriage Towne News.  Contact him via snail mail c/o The Carriage Towne News, P.O. Box 100, Kingston, NH 03848, or email him @ Drury1234@Verizon.Net, or to go his website @ www.billedrury.com.