Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

1.  Yes nurse, or should I say “Miss Obvious?”  I realize I just accidently chopped off his head.   Don’t just stand there, go get the duct tape.

2.  Removing an appendix is so easy even a janitor can do it.  You wanna bet?  Okay, hey, you, yes you, the janitor.  Come over here.  What’s your name?  You’re not sure what you’re name is?  Okay, no biggie.  Drop that mop and grab this scalpel.

3. Yes, John, it is time for your yearly prostrate exam.  But before we get started, I’d like to introduce you to my pet gerbil.

4.  Biopsy?  I thought her chart read “autopsy?”  Whatever, she’d need one sooner or later.  The way I look at it, she’s ahead of the game.  Wheel in the next patient.

5. What did you say?  We’re out of what?  Anesthesia?   Okay, I got it.   Here’s what we’ll do: we’ll wait until he falls asleep, and then I’ll cut off his gangrene leg.  Don’t worry; you know how when you hook a fish in the mouth and the entire one-toothed red-necked inbred angling community tells you that the fish can’t feel it?   This is pretty much what we have here, accept, of course, this time it’s a human and a, well, a leg.

6.  Alrighty then, which kidney am I supposed to remove?  Well, when in doubt, default to the old medical standby: “Eenie, meenie, minie, mo, catch a kidney by the toe…”

7.  Nurse, hand me that knife, the one sitting next to my half empty bottle of vodka.

8.  Oath, smoath.  The Hippocratic Oath is only a guideline.

9.  Look at the time!  Seriously, just rip out his old heart and slap in this new one.  What’s the big deal?  I have a tee time in ten minutes.  Make it snappy.  Chop, Chop.

10.  Honestly, I have no idea what this little red triangular hammer is used for.  But one of my professors in medical school said it was vitally important that I run around whacking my patient’s on the knee with it.  Plus it’s fun.

11.  I’ve never actually drawn blood from a patient before.  But I’m truly terrific at darts, which if you think about it, are more or less fancy needles dressed up with feathers.  Now, let me draw a bulls-eye around your jugular vein and we’ll get this party started.

12.  You want to know if this is going to hurt.  I’m going to shove a one inch wide fifteen inch long needle directly in your stomach, what do you think?

13.  Excuse me!  But do you have a stethoscope hanging around your neck?  No?  Do you have a white smock on?  No?  How about a nametag?  No?  So, who is the doctor here?  Hummm?  That’s right; I’m the doctor, see the stethoscope; see the white smock; see the nametag.   You don’t have any of these things BECAUSE you’re the patient. And if the doctor (that would be me) says that you need a pap smear then you need a pap smear.  Do you understand me, Mr. Smith?  Great, now we have what is called in medical circles as a “doctor patient relationship.”  So, shut up and bend over.

14.  Your test results show that you have roughly seven minutes to live.  Good luck with that.  Oh, make sure you leave your co-pay at the front desk.  No checks.  Cash only.  Stop crying and asking God “why me,” and hurry up and pay your co-pay.  Hustle.  Hustle.  Hustle.  Look at my Rolex!  (tap on watch crystal)  You’re down to six minutes.

15.  Look, I don’t know a scalpel from a monk fish, but I’m willing to practice on you.

16.  This is an X-ray machine.  He is an x-ray technician.  And that is why his is covered head-to-toe in lead-lined clothing, hiding behind a lead window, standing in a lead room, and breathing in pure lead.  He needs to take 40,000,092,987,112,009 pictures of your insides, and in order to get those pictures you can’t be shielded in lead.  And if you don’t have cancer now, you will when he is done with you.  But he won’t because his is protected by lead.  And, yes, he will probably die of lead poisoning long before you die of cancer, but what do you want from me?

17.  Look, I’ve had a really, really, really bad day.  My wife ran away with the milkman who is a woman; my stocks dropped eight million points in front of my eyes, my dog was eaten by a hobo, and I haven’t been sober since before the Carter administration.   And you are about to be circumcised by yours truly.  I suggest you stop trembling and sit still.

18.  Hey, back off fella.  Replace your own stupid drip bag.  Can’t you see I’m flirting with the hot nurse?  Sheesh.  Some people, I mean, really.  So, what’s your sign?

19.  Look, I was a butcher before becoming a surgeon.   And I say if you’ve sliced and diced one kind of meat, then you’ve sliced and diced all kinds of meat.  A short rib is a short rib, and your short ribs are right about here, tickle, tickle, tickle.

20.  This is Father Michaels.  I’ve lost 28 patients today alone, one who came in to have a hangnail clipped.   So, before I start tinkering around your circulatory system, he will read you your last rights.   Hey, come back here.  Where do you think you’re going?  Stop shivering, it’s only precautionary.   What can possibly go wrong?

Copyright © 2008 Bill Drury.  All Rights Reserved.

Bill Drury is a humor columnist for The Carriage Towne News.  Contact him via snail mail c/o The Carriage Towne News, P.O. Box 100, Kingston, NH 03848, or email him @ Drury1234@Verizon.Net, or to go his website @ www.billedrury.com.