Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

We’ve all had those nights when we can’t sleep, so we turn on the television at 1:46 AM only to come face-to-face with those infomercial scam artist trying to sell you and me everything from miracle mops that can do EVERYTHING from mopping up messes to preparing your taxes; wall hooks that are Hercules strong they can even hold up the likes of Hillary’s ego, and real estate agents trying to sell you and me on the premise that we can make bundles of money buying and selling real estate, and we don’t even need to know squat about buying and selling real estate. And those slick bottom-feeding scum-sucking used car dealer-like real estate hosts make it sound like any old idiot off of the street, even me, can easily buy and sell real estate.

Yup, they look directly into the camera, don’t blink, and swear on a stack of foreclosures that you, YES YOU, can be a millionaire in the real estate market in less time than it takes for your bank account to laugh at you uncontrollably and then disappear right before your very gullible eyes.

EXAMPLE

“You, YES YOU, the slump sitting on the coach with potato chip crumbs on your stomach?”

“Who, me?”

“Yes, you. Do you want to make a million dollars doing absolutely nothing?”

“Nothing?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“I guess.”

“Then send me $100.00 plus, of course, shipping and handling, and I will send you my book on how to be a millionaire in a minute by simply buying and selling real estate.”

“Buying and selling real estate?”

“Yes.”

“What do I know about buying and selling real estate?”

“You’ve obviously bought potato chips before, right?”

“Sure.”

“It’s the same thing only you’re buying a house and not chips.”

“But I’m 57, I live in my parent’s basement, and I have the IQ of peat moss?”

“And that is exactly why you are the perfect candidate that I am looking to scam, er, a, I mean to teach you my how to be a real estate millionaire in a minute concept. All you do is buy a house and then sell the house.”

“Buy a house and sell a house?”

“Yes, and I can tell from your great questions, your quick snappy responses, and your intelligent horned-rimmed-glasses look that you, YES YOU, are exactly the type of go-getting guy I’m looking for.”

“Really? No kidding? Well then, okay, I’m in! But I will have to break my piggybank first.”

Anyway, join me again next time where we will discuss the infomercial which promises to teach you how to perform at home frontal lobotomy, and if you screw up, no problem, they absolutely guarantee you your money back, minus of course, shipping and handling.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Drury. All Rights Reserved.

Bill Drury is a humor columnist for The Carriage Towne News. Contact him via snail mail c/o The Carriage Towne News, P.O. Box 100, Kingston, NH 03848, or email him @ Drury1234@Verizon.Net, or to go his website @ www.billedrury.com.