Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

You clean your house before you go on vacation, and you do this because you want to return to a clean home. I tidy up my house before I go on vacation too, but I do it for an entirely different reason: burglars, because one of my biggest fears—next to being chased by a cross-dresser with a hairy back, clad a pink feathered boa, at midnight, through an abandoned coalmine—is if robbers ever broke into my home, while I was away, and they came face-to-face with my untidy toilet. I would be absolutely mortified.

Burglar #1: “Oh, would you just look at that!”

Burglar #2: “What?”

Burglar #1: “That toilet. (Point) That’s downright disgusting. Hasn’t this guy ever heard of the ‘Tidy Bowl Man’? I mean, really. I‘m not robbing this place. Ick.”

Now, if the lower level of my home manages to pass a burglar’s white-glove review, they might go upstairs to take my stuff, which would cause them to come back downstairs to carry my stuff outside. And this up-and-down activity might cause them to build up a sweat, which might cause them to want to rinse off, which might cause them to want to go into the shower, which means that I must also scrub my shower before I go on vacation, because if they do go into my shower, and if it is grimy, well, I can’t even imagine my shame.

Burglar #1: “Oh, would you just look at that!”

Burglar #2: “Lord, not again.”

Burglar #1: “Would you just look at that soap scum build up. (Point) Seriously, you have got to be kidding me. I’m going leave this guy a nasty note demanding that he boil the inside of his house, especially his shower stall, and then maybe, just maybe, next year when he goes on vacation we might, I said MIGHT consider robbing him blind.”

Okay, here’s a question: what genius came up with the name “cat burglars?” Look, I’ve been around cats, and cats are lazy. Rocks move around more than they do. These animals are not stealing anything, as evidenced by the fact that cats spend 103% of their day licking themselves, which leaves very little time for doing any productive stealing.

Cat Burglar #1: “Are you done licking yourself or what? It’s enough already.”

Cat Burglar #2: “Will you stop rushing me. I still have to lick the entire left-hand side of my body, and with you hastening me I feel like I’m missing spots.”

Cat Burglar #1: “Oops, actually you are. Your right shoulder has a dry area.”

Cat Burglar #2: “Do you see what I am saying? Seriously, we’re going to have to postpone this robbery until tomorrow that is if YOU WILL STOP RUSHING ME!”

And if a cat burglar ever did manage to steal a television set, you’d think that someone dressed up like Tony the Tiger walking down the street at night with a TV under one arm would, at the very least, stir the interest of a passing cruiser.

Cop: “Hey, you, in the cat costume. Were do you think you are going with that TV?”

Cat Burglar: “Meeoooowww.”

Cop: “Meeooowww? Hey, right. Come over here, ‘tabby.’ Nice kitty. You have the right to remain silent; any meows you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney.”

And once the cat burglar was brought down to the station and placed in the lineup, even if they were standing next to three vagrants, Godzilla, and a midget wearing a Viking helmet and holding a rubber chicken, they’d be pretty easy to pick out.

Cop: “Okay, sir, now no one can see you behind this two-way glass window. Take your time, look closely, and let us know if you recognize anyone.”

Man: “Well, I’m going take a wild stab at this and go with number 3.”

Cop: “The guy dressed up like a breakfast cereal icon?”

Man: “Yep. While he was climbing out my window he kept shouting ‘IT’S GREAT!’”

However, to be honest, I don’t think “dog burglars” would be much better job at stealing your stuff, because they’d be too busy sniffing each other’s backsides to get any quality stealing accomplished.

Dog Burglar #1: “Okay, on three we’ll lift the refrigerator. Ready? One, Two—“

Dog Burglar #2: “Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.”

Dog Burglar #1: “HEY! That tickles! And your nose is cold! Stop fooling around and help me with this fridge.”

Dog Burglar #2: “Wait, I’m almost done. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.”
Dog Burglar #1: “Oh, brother. Thank God there are no fire hydrants in the area.”