Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

I’d like to take a moment here to discuss the best way to balance your household finances, and then number one most vitally important way to achieve a fiscal equilibrium is to NEVER let your husband within 700 nautical miles of ANY household finances, because your husband’s skull, like every man’s skull, is full of Cheez Whiz®.

Seriously, ONLY women should be allowed to calculate the cash, assess assets, mess with money, or figure out figures, because women have the nasty ability to be able to see extremely small amounts of money known laughably by men as “pennies,” which are denominations eagerly tossed into car ashtrays by laughing men until the discarded copper coins eventually form mounds large enough to interrupt asteroid traffic.

Listen, I’m not kidding around here; with cheese on the brain, we men couldn’t be bothered with coins, we have trouble enough remembering to breathe. As a result, men need bills, baby, as in dollar bills, as in BIG dollar bills containing numbers with enough consecutive zeros attached to cause them to wrap around the bill and spill out onto the floor leaving behind a trail of Hansel & Gretel-like zeros.

Women also have the uncanny ability to balance the checkbook down to the very last penny, if you can believe that, whereas, in sharp coin-counting contrast, we men are more than happy to round up to the nearest million. Unfortunately, men as a collective group, and because we have a fake cheese-like substance in the place of our brains, might say something stupid to a woman as she feverishly works the fiscal finances.

EXAMPLE

“Geez, Ann. I mean, seriously. You’ve been at it for three hours now. I could have wrapped things up ten minutes. Look, you have bills lying all over the kitchen table, it looks like a tickertape parade gone horribly wrong. And the checkbook is out, bank statements, you have three calculators going, enough pencils that if you were to glue them back together they’d form a California Red Wood, and what’s with the abacus? So, stop, quickly add crap up, and make me supper; something other than the usual TV dinner, like, say, oh, I don’t know, what about Beef Wellington, Baked Alaska, oh, and something to cleanse my pallet in-between the courses. Yeah.”

When a woman is in the full-blown bill-paying mode she is nothing to mess with. And though women are usually composed, sometimes when a cheese-brain man says something stupid to a woman, a woman has been known to snap, and the first sign of a woman snapping is when she violently puffs at a strand of her hair hanging in front of her eyes. Then she will say something like the following (cover your ears, kids).

EXAMPLE

“You want something to cleanse your pallet, Billy? Do you? Okay, then, how about I shove my (nasty word) fist down your (nasty word) throat? And if you think that doing the bills is so (nasty word) easy, then you do them! YOU figure out the bills, YOU do the taxes, YOU DO IT ALL, and we’ll see how you like those (nasty word) apples!”

Here’s the thing: it might make you feel better, ladies, to get stuff off of your chest and all; however, I caution you, this is NOT a good idea, because sooner or later you, yes you ladies, are going to have to go back in and sweep up the manmade money mess.

EXAMPLE

“ER, a, honey, sweetie pie, my little love puppet? I think we might have a slight problem. I just balanced the checkbook, and, um, well, we either owe the government three times the amount of money found under Donald Trump’s sofa cushions, or they owe us a buck fifty. But judging from the well-armed IRS agents armed with a battering-ram about to brake down our door, I’m guessing we own them. Oh, and interestingly enough, one of them is holding an orange jump suit in your size. Don’t worry, I’ll write.”

Anyway, the moral of this column is that you just wasted four minutes of your life which you will not get back reading my silliness. ONLY KIDDING! It’s more like five minutes.

But, seriously, the moral of this column is that ladies, do the bills yourself; however, if you need help, go out and purchase a sturdy can of Cheez Whiz®, because unlike a man, Cheez Whiz® will never say anything stupid to you. It will make the occasional fart-like noise, especially when the can is almost empty, but then again, so will your husband.