Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

NEWS FLASH!  Humans do not breathe out of their feet.  So therefore, learning how to tie one’s shoelaces is NOWHERE near as potentially dangerous as learning how to tie one’s tie, because ties are tied around one’s neck, hence the term “necktie,” and a normal neck contains one’s esophagus, and thus, one overzealous tug on a tie can render one stylishly strangled.

And if you have read even so much as one syllable from any of my columns, then you have already figured out that this tie-trauma happened to me, yours truly, because I am notably equipped with the manual dexterity of a doorknob.But thanks to my recent rise into the ranks of mid-management, I risk daily choking.

Okay, sure, admittedly, the increase in pay is great; however, since before birth I’ve been a dyed in the wool t-shirt and jeans kind-a guy. NOT a suit and tie kind-a guy.  BUT now as a mid-management manger I’m now required to wear a tie, because according to mandate manufactured by macro-management managers, who macro manages micro-management managers, who micro-manages mid-management managers (that would be little old me) ALL management MUST wear ties.

Now, if you are unfamiliar with tie-tying-torment, let me worn you that tie-tying can be treacherous, especially at 5 AM, inside a pitch black closet, and you are feeling around for a tie, seeing as you do not want to turn on a light and risk waking up your sleeping wife, since your sleeping wife is NOT one of those people who enjoy being woken up for any reason, to include if she were being eaten alive by an alligator.  And the last time you did foolishly wake up your sleeping wife, due to the fact that she was a little late for work, by which I mean two years late for work, she calmly informed you, with a violently wagging finger, that if you EVER woke her up again, for ANY reason, she would gladly remove your small intestine with a stick.

So instead of risking losing a vitally important part of my digestive system, I blindly groped around in our closet—IN THE DARK—desperately searching for a tie—IN THE DARK! Eventually, I located what I though was a tie—IN THE DARK!  I mean, it was long, skinny, and it felt like a tie—IN THE DARK!  But when I wrapped it around my neck—IN THE DARK—it turned out to be the octopus from the movie “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea,” only with slightly more tentacles—IN THE DARK!  And so one minute I was just trying to get dressed—IN THE DARK, and the next, screaming, thrashing about, and attempting to harpoon a cephalopod—IN THE DARK!

EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TIE A TIE

At the beginning, the wide end of the tie should be on your right side and the other end should be on your left side.  Cross the wide end over the other end. Now three regions are formed (Left, Right and Center). Bring the wide end underneath the narrow end from Left to Right. Bring the wide end over from Right to Left. Bring the wide end under the knot to the Center region. Bring the wide end down and pass the loop in front. Ensure that the knot is tightened.  Use one hand to pull the narrow end down gently and use the other hand to move the knot up until it reaches the center of the collar.

EXAMPLE OF HOW I TIE A TIE

I start out okay, with my left hand holding the skinny side of the tie, making sure to hold it straight down without moving it, and with my right hand holding the wide side of the tie while slowly revolving it around the skinny side of the tie.  This continues for almost one whole revolution at which point my left hand starts to revolve around my right hand, which is revolving around my left hand, and around and around they go faster and faster and faster until it look less like I’m tying a tie and more like someone who is caught in the middle of a taffy pulling competition which has gone horribly wrong.  The end result unusually involves paramedics and a large pair of garden shears.

Things got so desperate, I had thought, though only for a moment, to stoop so low as to wear a (gulp) bow tie.  But, let’s face it: second only to those proverbial pair of thick black Drew Carey-like glasses with that piece of white tape in the middle, the bow tie is basically a “dork stamp.”  And, evidently, a national survey of several hundreds of Americans revealed that men who wear bow ties are perceived as older, fidgety, dull, and more ‘scientific’ and ‘a little weird,’ or in other words “major league geeky.”

Hey, at least there was no tentacle action to deal with; however, after one glance in the mirror, and with visions of nerdy Pee Wee Herman running through my head, I figured it better to die with dignity, dangling helplessly in a dark closet in the grip of a Windsor knot than to be dope-slapped by everyone I will cross paths with, to include monks.

Nonetheless, I have an idea how to solve my tie trouble, and, no, it’s not one of those goofy looking t-shirts with a tie silkscreened on it.  I’m thinking of a more permanent solution.  I’m thinking of a tie I can put on and NEVER have to worry about it again.  I’m thinking about a tattoo tie.  But there is a minor problem: when I put on a shirt it will cover up the tie.  So I’m thinking scissors is in order.  Boy, will I look cool at our next macro-micro-mid management meeting with a tattoo tie peeking out through the tie shaped hole in my shirt.