Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

Men NEVER try to change women.  BUT women ALWAYS try to change men.  And when a man chooses a woman, it’s because he likes the way she looks, acts, and thinks, and he has absolutely NO plan to change her.  But when a woman chooses a man, it’s because she does not likes the way he looks, acts, and thinks, and she has absolutely EVERY plan to change him.

And when a woman chooses a man, what she is really choosing is a lump of clay with a head.  And she will roll up her sleeves, dowse the man with water, place on a stone wheel, and begin spinning him around and molding him into something more preferable to her; something more geared towards how a female thinks a man should look, act, and think.

But if you use common sense, which I personally don’t own any of, this attempting to change someone who you are attracted to does not add up.

EXAMPLE

“Mike?”

“Yes, Lisa?”

“I’m totally attracted to you, but you will need to look, act, and think completely differently or this relationship is never going to work out.”

Do you see what I’m saying here?  It makes no sense.

Understand that man-molding isn’t a hobby which females start doing when they become full-grown.  Heck no.  BIG females will teach little females the trick of the male-molding manifesto very early in life; mere minutes after little females first begin to notice boys.  This way, when the time comes (e.g. marriage) they will be well versed and fully qualified at man-molding.

I know what I’m talking about here.  Not only have I been chiseled, chipped at, and sculptured by my own personal matrimonial man-molder (my wife) for some twenty years to the point that I can be hung in a museum as a representation of “modern molded-man art,” I also accidently overheard, thanks to eavesdropping with a glass against the kitchen wall, a big female to little female man-molding conversation between my wife, my daughter, and the mother of my daughter’s most recent hot-and-heavy-heartthrob, who in an attempt to protect his identity, I will only refer to him here as “The Current Crush.”

CONVERSATION

Mother of The Current Crush: “I’ve been trying to get my son to get a hair cut.”

Sara: “Yes, it is a little long.”

Theresa:  “Sara, why don’t you mention that perhaps he needs to get a trim?”

Sara: “But if he won’t listen to his mom, what makes you think he’ll listen to me?”

Theresa: “Smile shyly, flutter your eyes several times, run your fingers through his hair, and just delicately mention that ‘he would look so cute with a trim.’”

Sara: “And then what will happen?”

Mother of The Current Crush: “He will trip over himself to get to the barber.  Oh, and while you are at it, see if you can get him to wear a color other than black. Tell him ‘a nice blue shirt would bring out the color in his eyes’; make him brush his teeth because you like a nice bright smile, and have him take a shower, since ‘you love the smell of Irish Spring.’  Oh, and get him to finish his science project.  Tell him ‘you will be so very proud of him if he gets an ‘A.’” (group belly laugh)

Listen, I don’t mean this in a bad way, and I’m not making this up, but women really change men by pecking at them (hence the word “henpecked”) in an attempt to get them to look, act, and think like the way a woman wants men to look, act, and think.  And women will peck at a man until he changes.  Peck.  Peck.  Peck.  It’s like living with a chicken.  And ONLY when the man is molded into ship shape will the ladies feel that they have accomplished their man-molding mission and eager to show off their molded man to their friends.

EXAMPLE

“Theresa?”

“Yes, Kathy?”

“Nice job on Bill.  He has a haircut; he’s wearing a t-shirt with no stains on it; he’s washing the clothes making sure to separate the colors from the whites, and he hasn’t watched any of the Super Bowl.  You are my hero.”  (applause)

But all is not lost men, for I have a surprise, which I tried on my wife during last year’s World Series: when your wife starts pecking at you, whip out a picture of Colonel Sanders and say the following using a stern voice: “I’m familiar with the Colonel’s secret 11 herbs and spices and I know how to use them.”