Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

Today we are going to talk about rubberneckers, which is a slang word used to described commuters who swivel their heads from side to side, oftentimes twisting it completely around in a circle, done in a desperate attempt to locate something along the side of the road to gawk at like, for instance, a tire-changer. Once a tire-changer is found, a rubbernecker will then slam on their brakes, stop in the middle of the highway, and gawk at the tire-changer as if the tire-changer was some sort of exotic form of potato salad.

According to a recently study conducted by The Institute For Studying Amazingly Obvious Things Which Nobody Really Needs To Study, tire-changers are a huge source of entertainment to rubberneckers.  But we are not just talking here about tire-changers who are fixing flats in the breakdown lane, which is perfectly fine, because if they are in the breakdown lane then they are NOT in the way of traffic, and if they are NOT in the way of traffic then there should be NO reason for anyone to stop and gawk.  But we’re also talking here about stopping and gawking at those tire-changers who have pulled their vehicle way off to the side of the road, sometimes dragging their car several nautical miles into the woods, thus making them detectable only by a bloodhound chewing on a divining rod.  But if a rubbernecker gets a whiff of a tire-changer they will slam on their brakes, knot up traffic from Nantucket to Neptune, and stop and gawk.

Look, I realize there is such thing as a “curiosity factor.”  But if you are a rubbernecker who is that infatuated with lug nuts, then might I suggest you pull over, step out of your car, and lend a helping hand.  Either that or kindly drop dead so I can run over you, spit on you, and get on my way.  ONLY KIDDING!  I would never spit on a rubbernecker.  Spitting is a bad habit.

Anyway, rubberneckers also are attracted to other rubberneckers, and therefore it is NOT uncommon for a SOUTHBOUND rubbernecker to come to a dead stop in the middle of the highway in the middle of the morning commute to gawk at a NORTHBOUND rubbernecker who has come to a dead stop in the middle of the highway in the middle of the morning commute gawk at a mysterious dead frog, which is also a huge source of amusement for a rubbernecker.

But dead frogs, tire-changers, and other gawkers gawking at gawkers are but a few of the vitally important highway distractions which a rubbernecker will stop and gawk at.  Rubberneckers will also stop and gawk at:

1. People picking petunias

2. Bridges

3. Large air molecules

4. Signs that say “no stopping and gawking you moron”

5. A police officer who has pulled someone over, and is standing outside their vehicle handing them a ticket, and a rubbernecker MUST slam on their brakes to see what was going on, because if they dared to mind their own business and continue down the highway doing the speed limit, the officer might feel neglected and take off after them on foot-pursuit

6. (please feel free to add in your own rubbernecking stop-n-gawk scenario; however, no jumping up and down and swearing, I leave those to my editor when my columns are late)

Rubberneckers, much like moths, are also attracted to flames, as in car fires.  Now, don’t get me wrong: a good car fire is something to watch, on television that is.  However, if you are in a vehicle which is approximately ¼ of an inch away from a car fire, it is probably not the best place to stop and gawk.  I know because this happened to me.

There I was, sitting in my blue Saturn ION, stuck behind a rubbernecker who decided to stop and gawk at an SUV which was on fire.  While he stopped and gawked, I was leaning on the horn, fully extending my middle finger, and shouting the following:

“HEY!  JACKASS!  DO THE TERMS ‘EXPLOSION’ AND ‘REDUCED TO CINDERS’ MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?!  MOVE IT!”

But he didn’t budge.   And with my lack of timing I was sure the SUV was going to detonate and take me and ONLY me out.  I could just see the coroner’s report:

CORONER’S REPORT

Coroner:  “Apparently, only this very unlucky blue Saturn ION was in the direct path of the explosion.   And after I opened the door, I found what appears to be a charcoal briquette sitting behind the wheel with its middle finger fully extended.  Upon further investigation, thanks to this partially burnt driver’s license, the charcoal briquette was originally Bill Drury.  Hey, wasn’t he a humor columnist?  Now, I wonder if he found any of this funny.”