Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

I’m forever in the wrong place at the wrong time behind the wrong people.  Monday morning was not different.  It was around 6:00 o’clock.  And like many of us, I was in my usual hurry.  So being a “Fast Freddie” who forever moving furiously fast, I figured I’d stop off at McDonalds and pick up a speedy morning breakfast sausage sandwich and coffee.

Hey, after all, McDonalds is classified as a “fast-food restaurant,” in fact, it’s the “original fast-food restaurant.”  So, if you want to rush into a restaurant, get some rubber-like food thrown in your face fast, and dive back out the door, fast, this is the place to be.

Unfortunately, upon entering McDonalds, my day came to a screeching halt, because as usual I found myself standing behind a guy who was slowing me down by (ready) actually (and I am not making this up) reading the menu, a McDonalds’ menu, that’s right, reading a MCDONALDS’ MENU WHICH HASN’T CHANGED SINCE THE INVENTION OF CLOGGED ARTERIES!  Even golf balls and government workers know what’s on a McDonalds’ menu without having to read it, but not this guy, who, hence forth will be affectionately known in this column as “genius idiot number one.”

Anyway, now you would think that after scrutinizing a menu for several hours, and holding up MY line, he should be an absolute expert and know every last (nasty word) letter on the menu, syllable-by-syllable.  But, alas, our genius idiot number one (brace yourself) turned around and asked the acne-encrusted highly-skilled order-taking 17-year-old working behind the counter for something which was NOT, you read that right, which was NOT on the menu.

EXAMPLE

“Do you sell Whoppers?”

Okay, so, I’m standing behind rolling my eyes and thinking to myself, “WHOPPERS!”  You moron, you north bounded end of a south bound mule.  Hello. This is McDonalds as in ‘The Home of The Big Mac, not Burger King as in The Home of The Whopper.”

But I wasn’t completely frustrated quite yet, because I was betting that since the acne-encrusted highly-skilled order-taking 17-year-old working behind the counter actually works at McDonalds, he should know what’s on a McDonalds’ menu, right?  Wrong.  Completely wrong.  Unbelievable wrong. The wrongest wrong which has ever been wronged.

The acne-encrusted highly-skilled order-taking 17-year-old working behind the counter, hence forth known as “genius idiot number two” wasn’t totally sure what planet he was currently on never mind whether or not McDonalds served Whoppers, and this was made evident when he (ready for this) actually turned around to check the menu to see if McDonald’s sold Whoppers.

Gee, swell, not only was the clock ticking down; not only was I caught in line behind genius idiot number one and genius idiot number two who almost had the combined IQ of raisin bread, but this particular McDonalds’ air conditioning unit had died sometime during the King Tut Administration, and we were in the middle of a major tropical rainforest-style heat wave, which made the inside of this McDonalds so hot I was looking to leap into the fry-o-later to cool off.

Mercifully, the manager finally strolled by, and was immediately pounced upon and asked by genius idiot number one and genius idiot number two “if they sold Whoppers at McDonalds.”

Now, you would think that the manager would know the McDonald’s product line that is to say, whether or not they sold Whoppers.  But the manager, hence forth known here as, yup, you guessed it, “genius idiot number three” looked up at the menu, rubbed his chin, looked back at genius idiot number one and genius idiot number two, and replied in a cover-your-butt managerial like fashion, “Let me check with corporate on this and I will get back to you.”

So anyway, I had been in line until midnight; at which point I stepped out of line, and headed across the street to good old reliable “Have It Your Way” Burger King.  My plan was to rush into this restaurant, get some rubber-like food thrown in my face, and dive back out the door, fast.

But who did I find upon entering Burger King?   Who was waiting for me in line?  And who was waiting for me behind the counter?  Genius idiot number one’s and number two’s brothers, that’s who.