Tongue-In-Cheek … Foot-In-Mouth

As an individual whose ½ genetic makeup arises out of the Mediterranean, specifically an archipelago which is shaped like a boot, it should come as no great surprise to you that I gravitate towards the garlicy goodness of garlic.

Side Note: For those of you who are NOT equipped with a GIANT brain like the one rattling around in my head, an “archipelago” is an Italian word meaning, “This boot smells like feet.” And I bet it gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside knowing I’m out here looking out for your intellectual interests, because, remember, I’m not only assigned to this newspaper just to make you laugh; I’m also here to enlighten you about everything, because I know absolutely everything about everything: you name it and I know something about it. And if I don’t know something about it, I will make something up about it, and make it look like I know something about it, which I don’t. But there is no need to thank me, for your patronage; along with your depositing of large vast huge quantities of unmarked money into my overseas bank account (WITHOUT telling my wife thank you very much) is more than enough payback for my passing along pertinent, useful, and vital information, which generally I’m just making up.

Anyway, each summer the California community of Gilroy host and holds their annual Garlic festival where first-timers and “seasoned” garlic-eating veterans show up for the fun, the fragrance, and the festivities.

However, this bulb’s bouquet is not for everyone, as evidenced by the fact during this garlic gathering, while garlic-lovers are in festive form, the rest of the state’s citizenship, to include the local fly population, can be seen staggering, gasping for air, and lining up at the local hardware store for a chance to purchase industrial-strength clothespins for which to clip over their noses.

Look, garlic can be tough on the senses. But albeit whenever you walk into an Italian kitchen the garlic scent hits you in the face like a runaway sledgehammer, and you should have been aware of these wafting waves give that the spaghetti, ziti, and rigatoni were all normally busy holding reluctant meatballs over their noses, garlic is good for you.

Not only has garlic been found to kill bacteria, it also decreases blood pressure, lowers bad cholesterol levels, speeds up circulation, fights off colds, scares away annoying telemarketers and vampires (which are arguable one in the same) but most importantly, garlic improves a male’s “performance potency.”

Okay, to be honest with you, this last proclaimed virtue of garlic has never actually never been proven, because after a man eats a quart and a half of raw garlic bulbs, the prescribed amount thought to improve a male’s “stamina,” pretty much all women who currently own sinus passages have never been witnessed getting anywhere near said “potency improved” man to prove this garlic-stamina-prolonging theory.

However, there are a few women out there, and you know who you are, who are brave enough to get close enough to their garlic-munching-man, but the resulting canoodling leaves a little bit to be desired. And that’s because there’s something about kissing a garlic-fuming-fellow, while wearing a military gasmask, which can put a damper on the whole love-making magic.

Nevertheless, I personally love to cook with these beautiful bulbs. And though as aforementioned, I am chromosomally speaking Sicilian, I’m never heavy-handed when it comes to adding garlic into my dishes.

Well, admittedly, there was this one time when I used just a pinch too much of this culinary clove. And while the paint did NOT peel off of the walls, the dogs did go bald, the stove did run away, and the actors on the television show I was watching at the time (”House”) did start to tear-up to the point that “Doctor House” reached through the TV screen with his cane, whacked me on the forehead, and then changed the channel.

But the paint remained. And after I boiled the inside of the house, you can now hardly notice the lingering garlic odor at all, hardly.

Oh, if you were wondering, the dogs look completely natural in their toupees.