This Week's Column
A LITTLE SQUIRTHave you ever found yourself in a traumatizing situation and your life flashed before your eyes? This happened to me on Sunday when I inadvertently wandered into what is arguably the most dangerous ever, even more dangerous than Hillary Clinton’s (gulp, shiver, cry) underwear draw!
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
ONLY KIDDING! Not really. But, seriously, it’s the perfume department at Macy’s.
“Gee [...]
It’s a good feeling to laugh, but a much better feeling to have made someone laugh
My columns are basically a race between my tongue and my foot to see which one can get into position first, hence the name: “Tongue-In-Cheek…Foot-In-Mouth.”
If my tongue wins you’ll think I’m full of whimsical exaggeration. But if my foot wins you’ll think I’m an idiot. Hopefully in either case you’ll be laughing, sometimes with me and sometimes at me. But as long as you are laughing, well, then I’ve done my job.
Now, I know what you are thinking, you’re thinking with my tongue so close to my cheek, actually inside my mouth, it should always be the hands down winner. However, my feet are unbelievably quick. Bruce Lee’s feet should have been so fast.
What you may have missed over the past 4 weeks
LEARN THE LINGO OR LOSE OUT ON LUNCH
There was a time I would enter a gym and dive right into my workout WITHOUT warming up. I could bench press a bison without worry of pain, strain, or being maimed. But nowdays I have to stretch out BEFORE I go to the bathroom, and if not, I risk being stranded on the toilet [...]
Continue reading this column »Before we leap into this week’s vitally important topic (i.e., finding myself sitting in a staff meeting stuck next to the office know-it-all dork who continually hikes his trousers up so high, last week he managed to get his neck firmly wedged in his left pant leg, and security had to call in a rather [...]
Continue reading this column »Back in the day, vehicles were designed more user-friendly. And because of this a monkey or even a humor columnist armed with a cleverly bent coat hanger could tinker around and fix anything, from removing and replacing the drivetrain, to changing the pine-scented Christmas tree air freshener.
NOTE: Removing and replacing the drivetrain is a relatively [...]
IS THAT A CUP OF COFFEE OR THE SWITCH FOR THE WINDOW WIPER?
The piss, moan, and complaint of the day (I mean “of the morning,” the day is young):
It frosts my weenie when I go to get a “simple” cup of “simple” coffee from one of those “simple” coffee franchise places, like, for example, oh I don’t know, say, the one who’s name rhymes simply with “Ptarbucks.” [...]
Attention: Television and Movie Producers.
I’ve written two screenplays (copyrighted): a horror screenplay titled: “For All Eternity” and a creature screenplay titled: “Monster Man.” Check them out below…
SYNOPSIS
HORROR-ACTION
By day, Tim Grimes is the hard working owner of a Florida alligator farm. He’s funny, intelligent, will give you the shirt off of his back, and is nice regular-looking guy. However, by night, he cruises bars in search of hookers. After he finds a fitting target, he charms them in to going back to his home, has sex with them, kills them in the most hideous of ways, and feeds their lifeless bodies to his alligators, thus concealing his crime.
Tim continues his serial-murder spree until one day while attempting to shove a hooker into his meat grinder; Tim falls in, helpless, he is ground up alive. It appears that he is dead, but he wakes up in his room, sweating, panicked, hysterical, and searching for answers.
He enlists the help of a psychiatrist who convinces him he is only having night terrors, but the psychiatrist is in actuality the devil who is in control of Tim’s soul, which has been handed over to him by God, condemned to hell for all eternity to pay for his crimes.
In essence, Tim is the devil’s plaything, and the devil is the puppeteer, finding unspeakable ways to make Tim die over and over. And though Tim eventually finds out that he is dead and in hell, in the end, there is nothing he can do, no way to escape his fate, because though he is actually dead, he is condemned to feel the panic, pain, and horror of dying every day for all eternity.
SYNOPSIS
CREATURE-ACTION
Sean Mercer, a Cryptozoologist, has had countless encounters with legendary cryptids such as Bigfoot and Nessie, but he has never been able to produce any rock hard undisputable proof to present to the doubting scientific community. He has casts of feet, hair samples, and fuzzy photos, which are all subject to criticism and rejection.
Sean (a.k.a. “Monster Man”) is desperate to prove that what he does is meaningful; his life is worth something; he is not a lair or a fraud or a fabricator. And the only way to prove the existence of cryptids is to present solid proof: the body of a monster, dead or alive. One day he receives a fateful call from a comrade: Dr. Joel Rodriquez, a herpetologist studying snakes in the Amazon.
Joel tells Sean about a villager who was decapitated by a swamp monster, and that an eye witness, a severed head, and a tooth fragment is still in the village. Sean gathers his team, Billy Flynn, and Desiere Laveseaur, and head for the Amazon to find proof, and to partake in the adventure of a lifetime.
Contact me if you’d like to give either or both a read.
THANK YOU!
Copyright © 2009 Bill Drury. All Rights Reserved.
