This Week's Column
The Phone ChromosomeGuy Genes are VERY different from Gal Genes. Guy Genes are responsible for making a guy eat bean curd (a.k.a. tofu) just to impress his hot date who is sitting across from him in a romantic dimly light cozy restaurant, when suddenly, out of nowhere she picks up a piece of tofu, and to his [...]
Continue reading this column »It’s a good feeling to laugh, but a much better feeling to have made someone laugh
My columns are basically a race between my tongue and my foot to see which one can get into position first, hence the name: “Tongue-In-Cheek…Foot-In-Mouth.”
If my tongue wins you’ll think I’m full of whimsical exaggeration. But if my foot wins you’ll think I’m an idiot. Hopefully in either case you’ll be laughing, sometimes with me and sometimes at me. But as long as you are laughing, well, then I’ve done my job.
Now, I know what you are thinking, you’re thinking with my tongue so close to my cheek, actually inside my mouth, it should always be the hands down winner. However, my feet are unbelievably quick. Bruce Lee’s feet should have been so fast.
What you may have missed over the past 4 weeks
It amazes me how two creatures from the SAME species can be so DIFFERENT. For example, all men have the genetic requirement to click the TV clicker using a speed which can only be captured by slow-motion photograph. And in sharp contrast, women own breasts. Breasts are a topic of GREAT interest to men which [...]
Continue reading this column »Italians are a nutty bunch, and I aught to know, because I’m a Catholic cog in this dago demographic. And the leaders of this guinea group are the matriarch grandmothers. These people are VERY busy with food, and when they find out that 10 people are coming over for Christmas dinner, Italian grandmothers will cook [...]
Continue reading this column »Whenever I start a project (e.g., cutting the grass) I do NOT bother my wife. HOWEVER, whenever my wife starts a project (e.g., everything) I always feel like I am at a rodeo, because she lassos me, drags me into the mission, and I end up the donkey doing most of the duty.
Take for instance [...]
Checklist Your Way Out Of Trouble
Do you want to know a surefire way to put an end to divorce? Okay, then, I will tell you: before a woman and a man get married, it should be congressionally mandated that they must first fill out a detailed checklist, which is designed to determine if they are compatible to begin with. If [...]
Continue reading this column »Attention: Television and Movie Producers.
I’ve written a horror screenplay titled: “For All Eternity.”
SYNOPSIS
HORROR-ACTION
By day, Tim Grimes is the hard working owner of a Florida alligator farm. He’s funny, intelligent, will give you the shirt off of his back, and is nice regular-looking guy. However, by night, he cruises bars in search of hookers. After he finds a fitting target, he charms them in to going back to his home, has sex with them, kills them in the most hideous of ways, and feeds their lifeless bodies to his alligators, thus concealing his crime.
Tim continues his serial-murder spree until one day while attempting to shove a hooker into his meat grinder; Tim falls in, helpless, he is ground up alive. It appears that he is dead, but he wakes up in his room, sweating, panicked, hysterical, and searching for answers.
He enlists the help of a psychiatrist who convinces him he is only having night terrors, but the psychiatrist is in actuality the devil who is in control of Tim’s soul, which has been handed over to him by God, condemned to hell for all eternity to pay for his crimes.
In essence, Tim is the devil’s plaything, and the devil is the puppeteer, finding unspeakable ways to make Tim die over and over. And though Tim eventually finds out that he is dead and in hell, in the end, there is nothing he can do, no way to escape his fate, because though he is actually dead, he is condemned to feel the panic, pain, and horror of dying every day for all eternity.
Contact me if you’d like to give it a read.
